


Opening up Can Open Some Wounds

by moviegeek03



Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Hurt TK Strand, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Past Drug Addiction, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, September 11 Attacks, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:47:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26412124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moviegeek03/pseuds/moviegeek03
Summary: TK hated this day. Every year. He hated the way the news would show images of the towers. He hated the way he couldn't stop shaking. The way he wanted to use and hide away from everyone. He just really hated remembering on this day.
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand
Comments: 13
Kudos: 202





	Opening up Can Open Some Wounds

**Author's Note:**

> I know there has been a lot of research on trauma in children and first responders alike in relation to 9/11. PTSD can result from witnessing events and having the events occur to family members or people you love. With that in mind, I wanted to explore how TK would handle this day. 
> 
> Warnings for mentions of PTSD (i.e. flashbacks and symptoms) as well as allusions to substance use.

The alarm blared beside him, earning a groan. He hit his phone to stop the noise. He barely opened his eyes to do it. He rolled onto his back with a sad sigh. He didn’t want to get up. Not on this day. He hated this day. 

Every damn year…

His phone buzzed on his nightstand. He blindly reached yet again and grabbed it.

_Dad_.

He sighed again and accepted the called. He tried to sound good, normal, whatever that was, as he answered. “Hey, Dad.”

_“Morning, TK. Did I wake you up? I didn’t think about the time zone difference. You sound like you are still asleep. I’m sorry.”_

TK cursed himself. “Nah.” He cleared his throat. “I just woke up. How are you? Flight go okay last night?”

“ _It was good. It’s nice to be back in the city. Even if the reasons is never good.”_

TK bit his lip. “Yeah, I know. But you’ve never missed the memorial.”

_“Exactly,”_ Owen laughed a little on the other line. _“And it is good to see some of the old crew. Some old friends. Jake and his wife picked me up from the airport this morning. I just hate leaving you today though. I—“_

“I’m good, dad. It’s fine. I’m going in for a shift in a little bit and it will be fine. Though I’m sure Judd will be on a power trip.”

_“Marjan said he hates being in charge, actually. When you were in the hospital and all, he was not a fan._ ”

“Well that’s something at least.” Not that it would help this day. TK pushed himself up in bed and rubbed at his eyes. “So did you meet up with the guys for brunch?”

_“Yeah we did. Getting ready to walk over to the site now with Jake.”_

“That’s good.” TK’s hands had started to shake a little. His skin felt clammy as he took in a deep breath. “I know it means a lot to you to be there.”

_“Yeah it really does.”_ Owen went silent for a moment then cleared his own throat. “ _Is there anything from the city you want me to bring back? Frankel’s bagels? Coffee from Stumptown? I should be able to get those in my suitcase.”_ TK could hear the emotions in his voice when he spoke, despite the topic change and attempt to lighten things.

“Sure, that sounds great, Dad.” TK tried to insert a little more enthusiasm at the mention of some of his old favorites. “I appreciate it.”

_“Will do, kid. If you want anything else or have any requests, just text or call. Any time. And be careful at work today. Love you and will see you in a couple days.”_

“Love you too, Dad. Take care of yourself up there. Don’t forget your meds and—“

_“I’m being good, son. I promise. Jake knows about the cancer. He is on my case about it all too.”_

“Good,” TK tried to tease. “You need more of that.”

_“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever you say. I hope you have a good day, kiddo.”_

  
“You too.”

They did another round of love you’s and hung up. TK tossed his phone back onto his nightstand and let his head fall against the pillows for a moment. He needed to get up and shower. He was scheduled to be at the firehouse for his shift in an hour. He pushed himself up and out of bed with a deep sigh. He decided to grab a cup of coffee. He knew it was dumb; he felt jittery and anxious already. The coffee would only make the feeling worse.

He walked into the kitchen and started the coffee. He flicked on the TV and turned around to gather a mug and milk for himself.

_“On the 19th anniversary New York City plans to…”_

TK cursed and turned back to the tv, just in time to watch images of the burning, collapsing towers. He should have checked the channel before he walked away. His dad must have left CNN on the before they left for the airport. He liked to avoid the news on this day. He hated the images.

He really hated this day.

He turned the TV off and grabbed the mug from the counter. He poured the coffee and drank it quickly. It burned, but was a welcome distraction from the buzzing under his skin. He focused on the pain for a moment. It didn’t last. He couldn’t ignore the rest of the feelings. He felt too on edge. Too jittery. It was too much.

He checked the time. He should have prepared for this. He should have known how he would feel. This day was always hard. He always felt on edge. He was always triggered. He should have woken up early and borrowed his dad’s car for the 8am meeting near the station. That would have been smarter. He didn’t think about it.

He cursed himself again and ran a hand through his hair. He couldn’t call his dad back. He couldn’t let him know. He never wanted him to know how bad this day felt for him. He hadn’t been there. He had been in his first grade classroom. He hadn’t been on site. Not like his dad had.

But this day never seemed to be easy. He cried at the images on the news when he was a kid for the years that followed. He isolated in his room when his dad tried to get him to go with him to the memorial as an adolescent. And as a teenager…well he’d found a way to drown out the images and sounds that plagued his brain. Now though. Now he wasn’t sure what to do. He wasn’t in New York. It was the first time he hadn’t been on this date. He wasn’t even with his dad today.

He wracked his brain on what to do. He knew he needed to go to work. He knew being alone wouldn’t help things. He already felt the urge. That old familiar urge he had hoped he’d left behind. It was back and thrumming under his skin.

He set the mug in the sink and went to his bedroom. He quickly changed into some running gear and grabbed his phone. He had a few texts from Carlos on the screen, but he ignored them for now. He wasn’t sure if he could keep up the facade if Carlos knew. Carlos would see through his bullshit. He always did. He picked his keys off the counter and slid on some tennis shoes. He knew he had spare work clothes and underwear in his locker at the station. A run would help.

_Exercise in important_.

He could practically hear his therapist’s voice in the back of his mind as he locked up the house. He knew it wouldn’t fix everything. But he hoped it would help. So he ran. He decided to take a long route to work and push himself and his body. His lungs burned from the effort and his legs ached. He ran harder than he should have. But it was better than the alternative. That was all that mattered.

He didn’t want to do something dumb.

Even if it sounded good in the moment.

He found himself at the station sooner than he would have liked, a byproduct of running too hard and too fast. He could see the crew milling in as well. He was out of breath as he approached, earning some odd looks from Paul and Judd where they stood outside.

“Damn boy, you just run a marathon?” Judd teased, he swatted at TK’s sweaty head. He gave him a look as his hand connected with the back of his head and rested at his neck. TK knew he was still shaking. He hadn’t been able to stop. Not since he saw the news…

“Did you just run here from your house?” Paul added.

“Y-yeah,” TK stuttered. He stifled a cough in his arm and moved out from under Judd’s hands. “Didn’t want to borrow Dad’s car. Figured this would be fine. I’ll catch a ride home later from Carlos or something.”

That got Paul to stop looking at him funny, to stop analyzing him so closely. “Yeah, I’m sure lover boy will help you out later.”

Before TK could respond he heard something crash next to them. The three men looked up to see Mateo on the ladder pulling on the flags. Beside the ladder lay his phone, where it had apparently crashed.

“Shit!” Mateo cursed.

“Hey,”Judd teased, “at least it wasn’t the damn ladder this time.” Judd picked up the cell and inspected it. He yelled something else up to Mateo but TK didn’t pay much attention. His focus was on the task Mateo was doing instead.

_Lowering the flags to half mast. Honoring the loss._

“TK? Did you hear me?” Judd asked, pulling him out.

“What? No, sorry. What?”

“I said aren’t you going to give our boy hell for being clumsy?”

“Oh, yeah, of course.” He shook his head and tried to plaster on a fake smile. “Better than last time, You’re right Judd.” He cursed himself for the awkwardness. “Um, I’m going to go take a shower.” He rushed out before they could reply. He screwed his eyes shut and made a beeline for the showers.

He scrubbed his skin til it felt nearly raw. He still couldn’t shake his uneasiness. He felt too exposed. He felt like shit. But he would deal. He didn’t have a choice.

He stepped out of the showers and grabbed a towel. He quickly dried and threw on his uniform. He opted for one of the tees over the standard button down. He knew Judd would give him hell for dressing down, but he couldn’t bother to care. He already felt like he was suffocating. The idea of wearing his button down felt too much. He tucked in his tee and tried to sort out his hair. He knew it was a lost cause. He ran his hand through it too much when he felt like this.

He sighed and got himself as together as he could. He made his way back toward the common area to find his team. They were surprisingly not in the kitchen like he expected. He heard a hammering sound coming from the engine bay. He shuffled toward there and stopped in his tracks when he saw what his team was doing.

Mateo was hanging up a new photo on the wall. It was offset from the memorial for the former 126 members. It wasn’t of the 126 after all. It was Owen’s old crew. HIs original crew. The crew he lost…

“TK!” Mateo called over excitedly. “What do you think?”

TK didn’t want to come closer, but he knew he didn’t have a choice. Marjan had already grabbed his hand, no doubt saying how he needed to see what they had done. He didn’t catch her words over the ringing in his ears.

“We thought this would be a nice thing for, Cap,” he continued. “Don’t you think? Figured he would like seeing this when he gets back.”

TK managed to nod in response. He doesn’t trust himself to speak. He knows he should. He can tell Paul and Judd are giving him weird looks once again. He swallows thickly around the emotions coming up for him. He had loved those guys. They had been the first to show him around a firehouse, to let him play and learn in a way his mother never would. They had been his family, just as much as they were his dad’s.

But he hadn’t been there. Not like them…

“Looks great,” he finally choked out. He ran a hand through his hair anxiously. “Um, I’m going to go get the coffee going.” He turned on his heels before the others could say anything. He nearly ran into the wall in the kitchen in his hurry. He just wanted to get away. He felt tears sting at the back of his eyes. He blinked hard and tried to take a deep breath. He needed to get it together before someone saw.

“TK?”

_Fuck…_

He looked up to see Judd in the doorway, giving him a knowing look.“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he replied too quickly. “Great.” He moved so his back was facing Judd as he gathered up the coffee grinds and set to work.

“Yeah, you sure look it,” Judd huffed. Judd put a hand on his back, no doubt feeling the fine shivers that he couldn’t seem to rid himself of today. He hated it. “Talk.”

“I’m fine, Judd. Really. Just a little shaky from my run. And needed coffee.”

“Uh huh…that’s why you bolted away from that photo, huh?” Judd raised his eyebrows at him.

“I’m fine.”

“TK, look, I—“

Judd was cut off by the blaring of the house alarm. TK exhaled shakily and skirted around Judd to get is gear together. He joined the others to suit up, avoiding Judd’s gee as much as possible. He climbed up and into the truck without a word, settling into his spot. Judd took up his and started calling out orders and relaying info.

TK tried to pay attention, but he knew he was only catching every other word. His brain was buzzing and his hands were still shaking. No matter what he did. He listened enough to catch onto the fact this was a small house fire in a nearby suburb. A two story house where a curling iron had malfunctioned and sparked on the owner, catching the bathroom downstairs on fire. Things had somehow spread from there.

“Alright, teenage girl turned beautician is out and she said she thinks she was the only one in there, but isn’t sure. Her dad had been upstairs when she started getting ready, and she’s not sure if he had left for work yet or not.”

“How does she not know?” Paul sighed.

“I don’t know,” Judd replied. “She told dispatch his car was still in the driveway and she isn’t sure if he went on a run or was still home when she got out. She left her phone in the room when the ran out and didn’t think. Neighbor called 911 for her. She didn’t know her dad’s number by heart. So…”

“Great,” Marjan added.

“Basically,” Judd continued. They pulled up to the neighborhood. Michelle’s team were already on site, looking over the girl and waiting on the sidelines. There was police presence as well, but TK tried not to stare. He knew he would break if he saw Carlos. And he couldn’t break. Not here. “TK,” Judd barked out, “you’re with me. We’re going to do a sweep upstairs while the rest start with the hoses.”

“Ok.” TK hate how weak his voice sounded. He hated how weak he felt. He hated this.

“You good?” Judd squeezed his shoulder.

“Yeah. I’ve got this.” TK took off toward the house, not letting Judd put up more of a conversation. He knew Judd could tell something was off. He pushed himself forward and into the house. The fog of smoke and ash took him aback for a moment. He could remember the way it clung to the air outside his school. The way he was forced to wait for hours on end there while the smog filtered inside and the soot coated the windows while he watched for his dad or mom. Neither of which could come. He waited. He watched things fall from the sky. Saw things crash into the playground…

He shook himself again and made his way up the stairs. He felt Judd pull on his jacket to slow him down. He didn’t. He pushed his way up the stairs and started to check on the rooms. He cleared the first bedroom on his left. It was hot. He felt the heat lick at his skin. He felt the pain of it.

“Come on,” Judd yelled. “He’s not up here.”

“Do we know if he made it out?”

“I’m radioing out now to see if Paul has updates.” Judd turned to his radio and started moving back toward the stairs. TK thought he saw something out of the corner of his eye. He could see things fall. Things moving. Things crashing.

“Judd!” He rushed forward and pushed Judd back from the stairs. TK lost his balance and ended up falling backwards. Down the stairs.

Judd yelled at him. TK didn’t hear him. He was too busy falling. His body hit the bannister at the bottom of the staircase, finally stopping him. He tried to take a deep breath. It hurt.

“You stupid, son of a bitch.” TK could hear Judd’s muffled yells. “What was that?” TK started to respond but only coughed. “Come on.” Judd pulled him to his feet and ushered him forward and out of the home. TK didn’t get the chance to protest. “I knew you didn’t have your head in the game. But shit, kid.” He half dragged, half carried TK out and past the others. He felt their eyes on him but didn’t say anything. Judd pulled him away from everyone else and deposited him on the grass. He grabbed his radio. “Hey Paul, take over for a minute. House is clear. I need to take care of TK for a second.”

TK zoned out as Paul responded. He felt embarrassed, on top of the edgy strung out feeling from earlier. It was going great…

“You with me?” Judd asked, tugging TK’s helmet off.

“Y-yeah.”

“What happened in there?” TK started to run a hand through his hair but Judd stopped him. He took off the gloves and jacket, half stripping TK where he sat in the grass.

“I thought,” his words shook and his breath was raspy, “I saw something falling off to the side. I thought—“

“Nothing was falling, TK. You weren’t seeing anything. Not there.”

“No, I thought, I saw something falling. I—“

“TK, stop.” Judd put his hands on either side of TK’s face. “Take a breath for me. Follow my breathing. That’s it.” TK hadn’t even realized he was panicking that much. Not til Judd had guiding him through the breathing exercise. “There you go. What you saw wasn’t real.”

“But—“

“TK, how hard is today for you? Be real with me? I knew you were off this morning. Saw the way you reacted to the flag. To that photo.” TK looked away. “You know, I should have caught it. The way you talked about triggers and shit with me. You know all about that, don’t you? A little too well, huh? Did you have a flashback in there? Did something trigger that?”

TK bit his lip but didn’t respond. He was thankfully saved by Michelle.

“Paul said you were taking care of TK. Need me to give him a once over?”

“Yes,” Judd sighed. He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Kid fell down the damn stairs.” He left out the rest of the story, much to TK’s relief.

He didn’t need the entire house knowing he apparently had a flashback or whatever that was and freaked out…

“Let’s get him in the back of the ambulance and I can check him over. Did his helmet come off or anything?”

“No. He hit his back and side against the bannister I think.”

“I’ll take a look and check him over.”

“Stay, here,” Judd ordered TK once he was seated in the ambulance. “You’re done for the day.”

TK sighed but didn’t argue. He felt his face flush with embarrassment. His hands still shook.

“TK, I’m going to need to get your shirt off.” He nodded and helped her maneuver is tee above his head. The skin along his ribs looked red and angry, prompting Michelle to prod at the bones. He sucked in a sharp breath. “I’m sorry.” He didn’t hear much else from what she said. He let her check him over. His thoughts had returned and consumed him.

He had fucked up.

On the day that was always so fucked up.

“TK? I don’t think anything is broken. But I’m going to put a brace on your wrist and bandage the cut on your ankle.” He hadn’t even felt those. “I’m going to grab some pain meds for you before I get started. But I think you can avoid a trip to the ER.”

_Pain meds…_

He mouth ran dry at those words. He knew she wouldn’t have opioids here. But it was tempted to see. To ask. To argue that he did need a hospital so he could get those.

“Um, non narcotic,” he said, surprising himself. “I don’t do opioids.”

She gave him a look and a small smile. “Lucky for you, I have a full stock of extra strength Tylenol with your name on it instead.” She handed him a couple pills and a bottle of water. “Take those and sit tight.”

He swallowed the medication. Briefly wishing it was something else. Something stronger.

Michelle worked on him and kept up small talk. He didn’t respond aside from a few ‘okays’ and nods. Before he knew it, she was pushing him to sit back against the wall and rest. His wrist was encased in a brace and his leg had white gauze wrapped around his ankle. She had removed his boots somewhere along the way. He didn’t even know how all of it had happened.

“Hey,” a voice drew him out of his mind. He looked up to see Carlos hopping up into the back of the ambulance. “Judd talked to me. He said you were having a bad day. I think he undersold it.”

TK knew he should say something snarky in return. But he just couldn’t. He was too wrung out. Today had been too much. He leaned forward. He let his head fall into his hands and he covered his face. He felt an arm wrap around his waist and a warm body next to his.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you hurting? I can grab Michelle or—“

“No,” TK finally mumbled. “I’m fine.”

“Yeah, I don’t know about that.” Carlos pulled his hands away from his face and gave him a worried look. “How about I get you out of here? Michelle said I could take you home. I’m off now. I can take the cruiser back in the morning. Don’t think Sarge will care.”

“I’m f—“

“You aren’t. That’s okay. Come on. Judd said you were free to leave, so let’s go.”

It was a testament to how tired TK was by this point. He let Carlos help him with his shirt and guide out of the back of the ambulance. He pulled him toward his cruiser and pushed him into the passenger seat. TK felt the crew’s eyes on him, but he couldn’t bring himself to look up. He couldn’t face those looks. Not yet.

He had to figure out how to face Carlos first.

Carlos got in and quickly drove to his own home a few blocks over. He parked and ushered TK inside. He helped him rid himself of his gear and left it on the floor of the bathroom. He helped clean him up. He didn’t voice TK to speak, and TK didn’t offer up much. It took all his energy not to shake uncontrollably.

He was such a mess.

“Bed or couch?” Carlos asked once he was clean and in clothes he didn’t realize he had even left at the house. Carlos had changed into his own set of sweats somewhere too. TK had zoned out.

“Couch is fine.”

TK soon found himself being pushed gently into the cushions. A moment later, a warm mug was being pressed into his hand. “It’s just tea. No caffeine.”

TK snorted. “So…Judd told you?”

“What makes you say that?” Carlos sat down next to him and put his arm around his back.

“You never make me tea. Only when you think I’m anxious.” He sipped at the liquid, surprised by how soothing it felt. “What did Judd tell you?”

Carlos sighed and squeezed his shoulder. “He said he thought you may be having some flashbacks in the house. That you were panicking and pushed him out fo the way of something that wasn’t there.”

“Fuck,” TK huffed. He set the mug down and covered his face with his hands again. “Awesome…”

“Hey, stop that.” Carlos pulled his hands away and held them tightly. His thumb rubbed soothing circles over the back of his thumb instead. “Talk to me. What happened?”

TK bit his lip. He didn’t want to talk about it. No one had ever wanted him to talk about it. Alex didn’t…he had grown up in the city and knew what that day had been like. He had been a kid at a different school watching the same shit happen. Granted, his dad wasn’t at Ground Zero…

His mom, well, she never understood. Not like he had wanted her to. She thought he was too anxious for no real reason. Too much to handle that week. And probably ever since if he was honest. When she was too busy trying to figure out Owen and her work and everything. He was always too much.

And his dad…well Owen was a little busy with his own trauma. He was trying going to funerals, making arrangements, trying to sort out his life. TK never wanted him to know. He tried to hide it every year.

This year…it didn’t seem to be working though. Because Carlos was looking at him with so much worry. But also so much care. He was holding his hand, caressing it softly. He was just there. Waiting and worrying. But there.

He didn’t want to talk.

But he also kind of did…just maybe for once he did.

“I don’t like this day,” he admitted softly. “9/11.”

Understanding flashed across Carlos’s face. “You were in the city that day. Your dad—“

“Was working.”

“He was the sole survivor from his house. I remember.” He squeezed TK’s hand.

“That day…” He took a steadying breath. “That day was kind of shitty.”

“I can’t even begin to imagine. How close to everything were you? You would have been at school right? Were you near the towers?”

TK was taken aback by the questions. People didn’t usually ask that. Didn’t focus on him from that day. “Um, I wasn’t in the danger zone. Not really. I mean, things kind of got blown and fell over onto my school and all over the playground. I remember that. Watching that. But I didn’t get hurt. Not really. No worse than anyone else. I was just stuck at school. It got kind of smoky and it wasn’t the easiest but it was better than some. I just was stuck for a bit.”

“Your mom couldn’t get you?”

“No, she was working on the other side of the city. She couldn’t get through. So I was stuck there for awhile. I don’t…I don’t think I saw my parents until the next day? At least my mom. Dad may have been longer. It kind of all blurs together.” He rubbed at his eyes, feeling the tears already coming up. “I remember, I remember hearing his house was lost. Um, before I knew he was alive. That took a little longer to get relayed to us. Dad had stayed back to help find the dead. He wanted to find his crew. He couldn’t get info to us. It was too chaotic. So we just kind of had to wait.”

“Shit, TK.”

“Yeah…um…it wasn’t a really good time.”

“I can’t imagine. I know how close you two are.”

“We always have been.” He felt a tear fall and cursed himself. “It just…I don’t always do great with this day. Which is dumb. I mean, I wasn’t there. I didn’t watch the towers fall. It wasn’t like I was working like my dad. I was—“

“But you were going through trauma of your own. Knowing your dad was there. Being that young.”

TK felt his throat clog with more emotions. He just nodded. Letting it pass before he tried to say anything more. Carlos was being so patient. He was just letting him be. “Yeah, I haven’t done well with this for awhile now. I usually try to avoid the news. Dad always wanted me to go to the memorial with him. I never handled it well, but would for him. Most of the time. Until I was using. Then I got a little off track.”

“Do you want to use? Today?” Carlos looked even more worried as he spoke.

TK felt the emotions come back at how well Carlos could read him. How well he already knew him. He nodded in response. “I’m sorry.” He hated himself for making Carlos worry that much. For putting that look on his face.

“Hey, no, don’t apologize.” Carlos put his arms around him. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You can’t help that today happened. That you feel triggered.” He kiss the side of TK’s head. “Thank you for telling me.

TK felt another tear fall down his face. “Thank you.”

“What do you need me to do?” Carlos asked gently. “What can we do to help?”

“Um…I don’t…can we just stay here? For a minute?”

Carlos shifted so that he was laying out more on the couch. He pulled TK down and into his chest. “However long you need.”

TK let his face fall against Carlos’s chest. He knew the other man could no doubt feel that he was crying. But he didn’t say anything. He let him be. And for that, TK was grateful.

9/11 sucked. Every damn year. That probably wouldn’t change any time soon.

But maybe, just maybe, he finally had some people who could make it suck just a little less…


End file.
